Journal entry from 05 May, 2006, (A few months shy of my 30th birthday)

I was looking through the pages of my life in an old journal, for the second part of my autobiography, and came across the following entry (which won’t be in the book).

This was a couple months after signing divorce papers, and being single again. I had left Canada for the UK, thinking that life would be better to me there.

I’m writing to myself in a fairly depressed state.

What am I doing? Why so glum? Why am I not making the best of this? I feel lame, I feel dumb. 
Stop thinking so negatively.
Stop it darling. Be your best today. Just be your absolute best!  Please, just do it, please.
I killed a fly today because I was angry and upset. I’m sorry.

I feel so alone. Is this karma? Is this being mean to my “friends?” Do I need to apologize?
What to do? Stop thinking about quitting, because you just cannot, darling.  You cannot.
What would you tell your child? What would you say to her if she wanted to quit school? Grade one? 

What would you tell her, Manj?
You’re not unique. Everyone has down days. You’re not unique, but darling, you are human.
Yes, you deserve great things in life. They’ll come, but you have to be open, you have to let the goodness in, sweetheart, you have to. You have to.
Let your white light shine please. Be strong, be strong…

Last night I dreamt of dad.
(Writing to him now):

You were crying, becaue I was leaving. Your look was so intense. Like, “make me proud,” like, “be safe,” like, “this is your life, make the best of it.”

Dad, I’m going to try. I love you and mum. It is your strength which shall carry me now…
This entry was only 7 years ago, and since then, life has changed ten-fold, more than once. I was terribly depressed, and even then did alot of self-coaching, which I didn’t realize until I opened the book today…Writing has saved me often, and this is why and how I get to share with you…
You don’t have to go far-Look within for your strength, it’s there, really, it is…

Thanks for reading, as always! 🙂


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