I was going through a low period, though would still show up for my sessions, acting my normal chipper self, though utterly depressed, and no one was the wiser.
If I remember correctly, it was during a phone conversation we’d had where I was cancelling another coffee meeting because I just didn’t feel up to going and she said something along the lines of:
Manj, I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough time, and I’m here for you, though it is comforting to know that even You have bad days….
May she be forever blessed for saying so, because yes, that was and maybe still is what I portray of myself. Perfect. Happy go lucky. Always in meditation. Talking to angels. Fearless. Courageous. etc etc etc.
I am spirit, housed in this magnificent human body, and being such, have been blessed with the ability to feel all kinds of things that my body allows through my senses.
My self is perfect, and that even includes last nights near rage, which I can only be grateful to have experienced.
Yes- I was on the verge of rage (if that means I’d wanted to throw things, and scream out load, and smash stuff).
Instead, I cried hard, and loud. Then did EFT/Tapping. Then I calmed down, tears only just rolling down my cheeks, and not pouring out like the Niagara Falls itself. I sat for a long time in silence after that, blessing.
Blessing all the people in the world who were experiencing pain. Blessing all the people looking for answers, to look inside. Blessing anything I could think of, and that we are all exactly where we are meant to be, right here and right now.
I don’t know what time I decided to sleep, but off I went, to bed. The tears started again and every time they did, or the thoughts came up, I blessed. Every time I awoke at night, I was already blessing. If I had any dreams I don’t remember them, and when I woke up, the sun was out.
I smiled, blessed to have another day, which has nothing to do with yesterday or tomorrow. I went to the kitchen, saw where the sun was and knew it was still early, before 7am.
I was excited to get outside. Water meditation , and out I went.
St. Francis D’Assissi joined me soon after I connected to her – Mother Earth, even before I’d made it to the Vineyards and Poppy Path.
The prayer of St. Francis, was my solace for many many years, from the age of about 17 or 18. I used to say it often and its even strewn across the many pages of many journals over the years. I saw it last week in a pocket book I owned, (which I so happened to pop into my purse the previous day for our commercial shooting in Vienna, for Austrian Airlines). I’d left my usual writing book at home, and realised the reason for the pocketbook. The first page had the prayer, and when I opened it, I smiled. I didn’t even read it, because I feel it.
This may not be the exact version, but it’s what my mind has recounted over many years:
Lord, Make me a channel of Thy peace
That where there is hatred, I may bring love
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness
That where there is where there is discord, may I bring harmony
That where there is error, I may bring truth
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
Lord, Grant that I may seek to comfort than to be comforted
To understand than to be understood
To love than to be loved.
For it is in giving that one receives
It is in self forgetting that one finds
It is in forgiving that one is forgiven
And it is in dying that one awakens to eternal life.
There I was, walking along, blessing, and St Francis’ blessings came and hugged my own. I found myself doing the prayer aloud, the first time, then I started to change it, so instead of saying
“That where there is hatred, I may bring love,” I started to say-
“That where there is hatred, ‘may I be’ love,” and the energy of what I was saying shifted enormously.
…Instead of sending love, or the spirit of forgiveness, or harmony..etc etc…to people, let me BE it. May I be the love for all those who are lonely, who are in need.
But hang on, I already am That.
I am That, I am.
I passed many people, those tending to the quickly growing grapevines, to others heading to their place of work or school, and then I passed a guy walking his dog. As with the others, we greeted one another and carried on.
Just after passing him, I don’t know why I did, though I looked up into the sky and saw it all expand, like I’ve mentioned before, and a few moments later, still within earshot, the guys phone rang. The ring tone: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Don’t worry Bobby, I’m happy. Bless Mr. McFerrin, for a song that never needed any translation, as it speaks the language of the heart, and to hearts, the world over.
I felt really good, with the sun just ahead of me, about to reveal itself from the clouds, and nearing my favourite part of the walk: The Poppy Path.
I contemplated my life, that if my life was the most beautiful haute couture dress that I was making, that the structure is complete, and now starts the beading and adorning which makes it shine as a masterpiece. My dress will never be finished, though I wear it every day.
All this beautiful pondering along the poppy path and my mind turned to walking the path alone, and in the moments that it did, I saw it.
A lone poppy, beautiful red, like my classic poppy red adidas jacket, with it’s infamous white stripes. (No phone to take a pic this morning).
And you know what else was on the lone poppy? A white strip, all along the edges of the petals. I looked for others like it, but it was solo.
Another new day, full of whatever the universe – my mind – can conjure up.
May you each be blessed with peace and love, always. ❤