From Insecurity to Calling Out the Truth –

Written whilst out walking this morning, in my little notebook. – 29 May 2015.

The world of fashion is one all to familiar to each my husband (Yurai), and I. Within the industry, he used to model and finished up as a fashion photographer.

I am a born designer, practically sewing my mother, on my way out (both being her greatest gifts to me, life and her creativity).

In studying Fashion Design, during my first year, I loved it and saw myself as a famous fashion designer.
By the time second year rolled around, my feelings had changed completely due to a the circumstances of my life, and I wanted to drop out and return to UWO (The University of Western Ontario), to study psychology.

“How on earth do I contribute to the good of humanity by designing clothes,” I thought..How lame! 

I hung on by a mere thread, and by my third year, I understood the ability to create clothes from an idea to a finished product, was my talent, and I would have to steer it as I wished.

On an aside, as per the question highlighted above, it was only very recently that I answered it for myself: It’s not necessarily WHAT I do or make, it is the act of creation, that is my passion- as you may well know, from food to writing to design etc.-
To use my both my hands simultaneously, much like a musician, a pianist, guitarist, drummer…etc.”

In any case, last night, whilst my husband and I were heading over to a fashion show, something didn’t feel quite right.

“Why am I going?” I thought to myself…I’ve always disliked fashion shows, (and even fashion magazines), unless I was on the catwalk – which was entirely like switching off.

I always felt a fish out of water, attending a show. The whole thing always felt so superficial and pretentious.

So again, “why am I going…?”

And not top of that, I’m way out of my comfort zone, being on the second day of my period, all in all which is very sacred to me, and normally, I don’t even go out, stay close to home unless in the company of best friends- only those and that will fill my heart, not the other way around.

There I stood, next to my husband and a friend, who of course, in my insecure mind, are in heaven due to all the beautiful women around with their legs starting at the level of my chin.

“Candyfloss.” An upcoming post. 

Yes. Yes, I wholly admit that despite it all, the superficiality of it, the gawking…whatever, I felt terribly insecure. (Absolutely true. Part of what I go through for at least a couple of day during menstruation, is very much insecurity, self- doubt etc., which is all easier to deal with in my own company— I’ll be talking more of menstruation, in an upcoming post).

And look, it’s not that I think any less or more of myself than anyone else there, my heart was simply saying one thing: GET OUT, and in resisting the message, [(because I felt I should stay with Yurai, especially after what we’ve gone through lately- almost divorce – which we’ve renamed as “Candyfloss,” (also a near completed post)], I was feeling increasingly worse.

I stared ahead, held Yurai’s hand, then looked to him. He was in a different frame of mind, and we weren’t in synch.  He put his hand on my arm, and asked me if I was ok, and I said no, and rhymed off a list of excuses.

At first, (in my mind), I’d gravitated towards blaming him for not feeling comfortable, for wanting to leave, (it’s always easy to blame others- and really, I hadn’t made sense of my feelings at that point, only the screaming heart part). Somewhere deep in me, I knew it was my deal, not his.

Remembering a valuable lesson (which I didn’t use last week), I asked if we could speak outside, and he concurred. Out we went and in the sun, he hugged me tight. I told him what I was feeling and that I wouldn’t hang around, (not after some indecisiveness, looking for him to make the decision for me – yes, I just admitted that too).

He thanked me, not for allowing him to stay, rather for knowing that in me staying, I was going against my self. I wished a fun night, he said he’d message when he got in, and that was simply that.

Now then, believe you me, my ego (Gholum), was alive and kicking. I was experiencing sadness, and anger for a little while.

“Ok, so I am. So be it,” I thought to myself. I was kind of stuck, but didn’t want to really shift.

I was talking to my heart, whilst on the tram, saying the usual, “I love you Munjeet Sehra,” over and over again. I thought to myself that I want food. Nearly two days without and supposed to be three, (cleansing with my period), but I know it’ll help. I feel for it, and resisting it would further cause imbalance in my body.

Milk chocolate came to mind, oh how I would love some.

I opted out from it end the end, and just went home to leftovers. Nothing beats my own food, which I prepared with love- surely that’s a good thing! 🙂 So -a handful of red cabbage it was, with toasted cashews and sprouted red beans, with tamari sauce and dijon mustard. wonderful. I’d wanted chocolate to begin with, so made myself a little dessert- few spoons of shredded coconut, with honey, cacao powder and walnuts, which I topped onto these adorable little buns I made a couple days back.

No ipad/phone here-my lil scribble pad. 

Ok, heart is happy, and not a pang of guilt for deciding to end my cleanse early.

In fact, as I scribble this all out, like a mad woman, along the beautiful poppy path, I have zero desire for food. Interesting, and very different and new for me. Still so grateful to having done 26days without food for so much healing. A follow up post on that is to come shortly. 

One can never have enough pictures
of “The Poppy Path” 🙂 

I had my little feast, and went into the ashram of my mind.

Feeling like shit, Munjeet? Feeling insecure? Still sad? Angry?  

The anwer:

Darling girl, it is those times of adversity, when something is feeling off, that you stay close to YOU, not abandon your heart, that’s crying for your attention.    

The recap for myself:

I left the show- a great first step. 
The reminder, or lesson- whatever you do, do it with love, for you and no one else. YOU come first. Thank you to my dear husband, as always for assisting in my blossoming.  

Blessings and loving self-talk done, I picked up my phone to message Yurai – that me leaving had nil to do with him. But of course, as I was writing, a message came through from him, at only 9pm.

“Hi, I am at home. Are you ok?”

Turns out he left early, not his cup of tea.

We chatted, and I relayed how I was feeling great, though I felt like crap at first, but after some food and blessings, I was fine. In fact, more than fine- inspired to get back to designing before night’s end.

When we got off the phone, I pulled out a skirt I started creating a couple of weeks back and set it up, to complete. (It was too late to start sewing as I didn’t want to wake up the neighbor- an old fella who’s bedroom is adjacent to my combined kitchen/design studio).

Instead, I headed back into the living room, played some of my favourite tunes, and danced and danced and danced. :))

Let’s just be the love that we seek from others, that way we remain in the state of love, and rather than being a character in the story of our life, we become an observer. Sound good? 🙂

May you too, be blessed. Always. ❤

PS: Guess who I bumped into this morning?  “Brilliance,” the very moment after I wished to see the little darling kitty. 🙂  Hadn’t seen him/her for days now, a lovely surprise on this sunny warm morning.


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