(Part 2 is below: Written on 01 June whilst out walking).
This piece of writing is from 27 May – a nine day – and almost unbelievable, but entirely believable, in equal measure.
If you’ve been following along my posts, you know I’m pretty much an open book, sharing the details of my life, rather candidly.
In doing so, I’ve lost friends, whilst others have called me out, with their own projections.
I recognize I’ve been gifted with talents I never knew I had. These stories come to you candidly, because I hear your cries. I know your pain. I know your heart aches too, and sometimes, so does mine.
This writing is for you. You who has ended up here and gains solace from the details of my life.
These days, my posts, are more real time, as the importance of them fades quickly, and should I not write, the details are gone, without the opportunity to reach out.
I wrote about near rage, anger and sadness, some days ago, and I’ll share with you not the reasons, as they lack importance, rather the resolve of what preceded the aforementioned emotions.
Now then, “CandyFloss,” is the name we – my husband Yurai, and I, chose to replace the word ‘divorce,’ with some days ago, as yes, we were on the verge. I do not wish to subject my mind to a replay of what happened, as already mentioned, except to say that in a completely different environment, we two, were not in the “state of love.”
I felt like we were in the twilight zone, as this unravelling, so to speak, happened from one day to the next, with no warning. We were experiencing such peace and harmony, evermore open expressive to ourselves and one another…The whole situation came totally out of left field- one huge, fast, spinning curve ball!
After almost a week of not being in touch, (this goes back to the third week of May), and the rage night, (which I’ve renamed ‘Roger Rabbit’), where it seemed like it was all over within a phone call, we finally met to talk.
By morning, I felt at peace, though sad.
Yurai called to ask if he could pick up his last bits and pieces, and I started preparing. I think we were both surprised by each others tone…totally different from the RogerRabbit call.
I was bawling my eyes out, gathering Yurai’s things, whilst blessing. I told myself things like; for every tear that I release, may I relieve the suffering for everyone going through a break up….For every sad thought that I have, may I spread joy to someone who is depressed….May I be whatever it is that is missing between Yurai and I….All this intertwined with a love mantra. Over and over again I was saying “I love you Munjeet Sehra.”
I had no expectations.
Yurai arrived and I was like a kid, kind of just stunned…We hugged, for a long while, which felt so good, and so sad all the same.
We agreed to chat after the packing, and both got on with our stuff, me in the kitchen, and he removing stuff from the computer. I’d already prepped all the kitchen stuff, bed sheets, towels, (most of which were his own), and as I worked in the kitchen drying off the last bits, he came in and said I could keep it all, very graciously. My heart was sinking. How on earth can this be?
‘But it is kiddo, it is, we cannot “try.” This is a binary situation, it either is or isn’t.’
I kept with the blessings, and then when he finished we took a seat on the couch, he in one corner, and me in the middle, with some distance, facing one another. He said I didn’t have to be so far away. My heart was aching as the only thing I’d wanted was to be close, and even though I too believed our ‘Soul Contract,’ was over, it hurt so badly.
We sat close, intertwined…An arm overlapping the others, legs close, so many parts touching, feeling so connected…We looked long into each others eyes, not so much looking for answers, not so much out of fear, but out of love….
I was reminded of how the same thing had happened when we first met….After a few minutes, we were holding hands and I was looking into Yurai’s eyes, speechless, with tears.
He moved me right from the start, really shifted something deep inside of me….
“This is how it ends,” I thought, “much like it began,” and still, “let it be,” I thought.
It was very much apparent that we’d both shown up raw, naked, and stripped of our egos. Nothing was more important than the present moment. Yesterday was dead, and tomorrow is but a word.
I started by saying how grateful I was for him, for our time together, no longer holding back tears. Yurai agreed and said the same, how grateful he was, whilst caressing my arm, and my hair, and a few moments later, I was wiping away his tears too….
If ever I thought that the man sat opposite me lacked empathy, or compassion, I was highly mistaken. What I was receiving in those moments was the very thing I’d needed the week prior, when he didn’t have it in him to give.
After the tears, more stuff was coming out, and eventually we were laughing at the insanity of it all. If truly, after all these months, this had all been an act, who would get the Oscar?
We spoke of many things and then there were things which didn’t need to be said. Like the obvious love that was circling between us. Allowing ourselves to be ever so present, we made our way back to “the state of love,” and what started on the couch, ended in bed, in sacred union…It was so beautiful, that words cannot express our coming together again.
|Blood of Creation.|
Part of that beauty was me getting my period, with Yurai inside of me (a post will come about the sacredness and even magic, of menstrual blood), especially as I was late, and thinking we might even be pregnant, which thankfully we weren’t. But what impeccable timing, that it was Yuraiko, who helped release what I was holding onto. The blood that finally came, was dark, not the usual bright red I’m used to at the beginning of my period. I’d been holding on. My womb had been holding on….
The womb blessing that we did together weeks before was and still does reveal it’s colours.
Parting thoughts- this ‘note to self,’ scribbled down after all of the above:
Candy floss may well happen one day, we’re both aware of that,
and that’s why the present moment is such a gift,
because whilst we’re here and now,
nothing else exists.
But hang on, as long as we stay here and now, in “the state of love,” Candyfloss doesn’t exist.
Life is beautiful.”
I’ll go in the order of the title to this post, as I’ve already touched upon ‘CandyFloss.’
The latter sews together the former, without so much as an illusion. There just isn’t anything as such.
Why “candy floss?”
Words hold such strong energy, and once uttered, they tend to stick, (especially the ones we don’t particularly fancy). Candy floss too, is sticky, though it is sweet, and pink (in my mind), and there’s love in it, or for it.
On the verge of calling it quits, our rekindling last week (the above post which took place on Wednesday 27 May), was magical, unexpected, very much (a) present.
A couple of days later, and it seems the winds of change were blowing again….
Another encounter, which I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand.
Saturday 30 May- Yurai’s birthday.
I felt only two things. Love, and utter utter sadness.
‘He’s in his place, I’m in mine, mentally and physically.’
‘I cannot do anything, I can only be.‘
I sent along birthday messages, he responded, and we chatted on the phone sometime in the morning. So many questions, so many question marks…
We agreed to meet in the city for a cup of coffee, somewhere neutral, though neither of us set a time. Let it be.
For me, the phone conversation already felt quite final. Ok, this is it, all over again… Soul Contract over, we both know it, and I allowed my mind to play to me what I was feeling.
I cried a lot and intensely again. I managed to pull myself back into the ‘state of love,’ as opposed to ‘the state of fear,’ and started with the blessings again.
For each tear I cried, I blessed all those going through difficulty in their relationships.
For all the sadness I felt, I sent joy to others feeling the same.
For as much as my heart was sinking, I was sending love to those whose hearts were actually stopping….
In and out of love and fear, when my conscious mind replayed my past relationship, I thought “oh God, my patterns, my old patterns again….Where did I go wrong…? What am I doing…?”
I know. I caught it too, I was in victim mode.
I was starting to “copy & paste,” the old relationship into this one. I remembered a mutual friend that my ex and I had – a bright & wonderful woman, and trained psychologist, who was there for us both.
When we were in a grey zone, her words had been something along the lines of,
“you guys are crazy. You love each other, you’re each amazing, and you’re both saying, “if it’s meant to be, it will be,” (unbeknownst to us, as we weren’t talking). Are you nuts?!”
Obviously that relationship ended, and pretty much like that. We allowed each other to fade away. Sometimes I wanted to fight and make it work- (doesn’t that look absurd, to even just read it? Say it out loud to yourself,
“sometimes I wanted to fight and make it work,”
but there is no such thing, which I’ll expand on in a moment. In the fading away, I’d said to myself, if we are not meant to be, then please send along someone ‘better.’
Enter Yurai (Juraj) Sipkovsky.
It took me till my walks in along the vineyards here, close to home, and by the Poppy Path, to not know anymore. It took me till very very recently to start to integrate life, and feel it as it is- by no means difficult.
I see everything growing at it’s pace around me, daily. New flowers blossom, telling me that fruit is coming, the grapes, from their tinyness, get a little bigger day by day….The abundance of poppies which sing to me as I pass them by….I’ve even been so blessed to catch sight of a portobello sized mushroom, coming through the dirt at the side of the road along the Poppy Path, saying, ‘here I am. It’s not mushroom season, but Here I Am.’
We breathe without trying, as do we walk, swallow, blink, and beat – our heart, that is. It beats without order or direction from us. Now, imagine that? Imagine if you had to try to do all the above mentioned things (and everything else we tend to take for granted, that just ‘happens…?’).
All those things do, just happen, and I was reminded yet again, to just be, don’t try, don’t resist, don’t fight.
Back to the famous words;
“if it’s meant to be, it will be….”
I realised somewhere in my contemplation, I had interrupted the “copy & paste,” command from my last relationship, and I blessed everyone who was stuck on ‘repeat/replay.’
The crying had ceased entirely. I had resolve again- to just be, like on Wednesday.
With much writing to do (many posts are just waiting for me to type them out, as I write manually), I
forwent everything for yoga (union of body and mind), – by way of sleep – for recovery, and into sleep I fell, deep in meditation, deep in blessing anyone and anything.
There came a point of further clarity which gave rest to my conscious mind, attempting to compartmentalise my existence into patterns.
Enter The Matrix.
Neo – by Morpheus – was “the chosen one,” though the all knowing “Oracle,” said otherwise, when Neo went to see her, himself.
What happened to Neo? You know the story- he walked into himself, into the greatness that he always was.
He was the “Chosen One,” and it was he, who was to understand that.
To conclude this line of contemplation, it wasn’t that I saw Yurai as Neo, or myself, for that matter…..
We – Yurai, Myself, You – we each are “The Chosen One,” and whence knowing that, life becomes like that breath you’re taking right now, not coming or going, it just is.
This was profound for me. It was the shift in my thinking, and I felt I stepped off and old pattern, creating something else, not a new pattern, just my life, as I see it, and not saw it, right here and right now.
We were present for the day of Yurai’s birth, 30 May. Very very present, our own gift to each other, back to here and now, “breathing in the present moment, breathing out, smiling. Dwelling in the present moment, knowing this is a wonderful moment.” (Paraphrased quote by Thich Nhat Hanh).
|“They made it,” said Today. ❤|
…Again, may You be blessed, may You be and radiate love. Thank You for reading, and Thank YOU for your love…. ❤