Body Talk

For a recording of the live facebook feed to this please click on the picture below. Otherwise, click here for Youtube. 

tuesdays-5-6

The main purpose of the talk was to show how by connecting with our body, we are more likely to  lose weight (the obvious) and keep it off, but also that we can change our lives by creating unity in body and mind, really literally being in “yoga.” 

Aside from the physical postures that we associate with “yoga,” the actual definition is “union between body & mind.” 

“IF YOU DO NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE IT.” -Mary Englebreit.

This very quote has become my regular practice in dealing with everything/everyone where I find myself in discord.

If I am in discord, I have so chosen it, and can choose also to be in harmony, as per the above quote. 

The quote can be applied to anything from food, to our too fat, ugly, too thin, imperfect bodies,  to relationships, to work, to anything you can put your mind to. 
    
In specific relation to food – if you are at odds with what you eat, in discord- instead of resisting the very thing you wish so badly to eat because it is “bad for me, or unhealthy, or will make my hips grow” whatever it may be- let’s change the attitude toward that food. 

Instead of eventually giving in and binging on the resisted sinfully delicious item, look at it, love it like nobody’s business (whatever you choose to say in your mind), and tell yourself that “this is thee very best thing I can put into my body right now”.

 This idea, though unconventional as it seems, is very much in line with the past talks I’ve given: Let’s consciously allow whatever it is, whether an emotion, food, situation, a person/people, to play out as they are, for what they are, and not resist any of it. 

 You want to eat that crispy creme donut – or the whole ½ dozen – eat it/them with joy.

Someone’s projecting at you whatever business they’ve got going on in themselves, roll up your window instead of engaging (then walk away and consciously allow all your deepest darkest feelings toward that person arise- in the comfort of your mind!). 

 Your body is still the same old “ugly piece of fatness” after 4 months of working out so hard every single day? See it for exactly what it is- like a small child, trying to get your attention. “Stop avoiding me, I need you, (it says), and I”m going to carry on holding onto whatever you eat or drink, even if it’s “healthy,” until you stop and listen to me!”
 

You see how this is so incredibly tied to the previous videos where the focus was on the mind? One cannot be separate of the other.

In order to operate optimally, our body and mind are in “yoga.” 

Does it happen all the time? 
No- though with practice, it gets easier and easier. 

 Let’s go back to the crispy creme example. So you eat one – or six- you’ve altered your attitude towards the deep-fried, sugary gorgeous lump of dough, and this time instead of eating with guilt, fear, shame, anger, frustration, you just love your way through it, saying to yourself, “this is the very best thing I can put into my body.” 

Didn’t work? Still feel the guilt, fear, shame, anger and frustration? Well, let’s allow those things to come to the surface for once instead of pushing them down deeper and deeper. 
I can promise you this, if you’ve been like myself in any sense – me, who had food issues from the wee age of five, to anorexia and addiction/obsession to exercise at the onset of puberty, followed closely by bulimia, years of severe depression from my teenage years to physically self-destructive behaviors including suicidal tendencies throughout my 20’s, to hiding in the fitness/health industry for years to mask my addiction –  to NOW, talking my body through every single thing that happens to me, YOU can be more than OK too. 

 In saying “talking to my body,” I mean it quite literally. If it’s a minor cut, I apologize.
If there’s a pain in my left ankle, I apologize.
If it’s someone projecting their anger towards me, which includes my body, all that I am- I apologize to my body for having to go through that, and I ask for forgiveness, and I repeat, “I love you,” until I am ok. 

 You would be surprised how long any pain for “ill” feeling lasts, once you get into this practice of self-love. 

Back again to crispy creme- I’ve allowed you to eat them with joy, as often as you need- and you now do that. You are much happier, your body is much happier, and that little bit of weight you gained when you first started eating them happily has fallen off, and keeps doing so.

It’s not happening overnight- it’s taking months, but we’re not counting, because finally, you’re free of the guilt, shame, anger, frustration. 

And you know what happens next? You won’t even notice that you stop eating the crispy creme, that you swap it for something that’s “healthier.” Your body is changing, it’s shaping up. 
A year goes by, you’re not exercising any different from before, or maybe like myself, you don’t exercise anymore, you just walk and stretch..do things that feel good intuitively. 

Your eating style has changed tremendously, though it was a natural progression.

You start to tune into your body.  

You find out on your own what is good for you, what inflames you, what gives you the runs, what makes you feel over the moon.

You learn how to cook, really creatively cook delicious food. 

 And you know what? You are for the first time, shining like the brilliance that you are. 

That is what happens when body and mind are in yoga. 

It matters not, what size you are, or that anyone even notices that you’ve lost weight. It matters what you think of you, and how you ultimately feel about you. 


 
My current general routine (which itself changes organically): 

I wake up, and give thanks for another day of life
I take a seat on the ground in the living room, looking outside- just staring into nothingness, gently rocking from side to side
Eventually I fall into meditation, whereby I root to Mother Earth, nourish my chakras and connect to the Universe, allowing it to work through me on my behalf, guiding me to live out my highest purpose for the day, for the betterment of all. 
I set my intentions for the day, to be loving, to be honest towards myself, everyone and everything. 

I bless all souls with love, with peace, with serenity, with courage, with acceptance, with happiness, with nourishment, with patience, with forgiveness- whatever comes to mind in those moments.  

When I come to, I gently tap my entire body from the tips of my feet to the top of my head, as a way of saying “Good Morning Dear Child, I’m here for you, I got You.”

 From there, I head into gentle stretches. Sometimes Sun Salutations, sometimes The Five Tibetans, sometimes the exercises related to the Ayurvedic Intestinal Cleanse: Shanka Prakshalana, and sometimes I do exactly what comes to mind, like during menstruation, when I tend to do more balancing poses, if anything at all. There are even times when I wake up and don’t want to do any of the above, so I consciously allow myself to skip all of it. Nothing “bad” happens there’s no “bad karma.” 

 I do 24/36 hour fasts (only water with a coffee or tea), without any food, 2x per week, which is no more than giving this precious body a break from all the work of digesting, releasing and everything in between. 

 I eat a (mainly) plant-based diet, because that’s what my body tells me it likes best.

Before I die to the day and fall into sleep, I give thanks to all that was.

 That’s me, that’s my way and I encourage you to find yours too. There’s no better satisfaction in life than tuning into your “Inner Being/Source/Universe/God.” 

 That is true freedom, and at 40 years old, This Little Cookie is excited about every single day I get to share these bits of joy with you.  

 Once again, your freedom may well come a very different way than described above, and now that you’ve made it to this point, throw away my words, and carry on the best path for you.

Lots of love to you each and again, I thank you for tuning in. 

God Bless You. ❤ ❤ 

PS: here’s a short follow up video I did with a few pointers for your own body talk.(Youtube). I welcome your questions and comments.

tuesdays-5-body-talk-follow-up-video

 

Notes from DAYS 9/10/11 Body/Mind Cleanse- NO FOOD

Day 9
Had difficulty sleeping and actually had much energy, and ideas.
Was thinking about food, and creating more amazing things, starting a food blog, etc – was quite excited.

Got up to use the loo at some point, after I had finally fallen asleep. Must have been around 2-3 am, and didn’t fall back asleep til the trams started running about about 4am, and the birds were singing. 

Though my mind was going again, in creative mode, my body still lags a little.
Had a bowel movement this morning!! Who could ever be so excited about that? 🙂 
Well, I’d been expecting it for days and finally I let go of whatever it was I’d been holding onto. Today is a day of change. 🙂

Don’t know if I saw it or heard it, or what, but through my sleep, the message I was getting was “communication.” I know what that means for me – what I’ve been talking about for the last week, get out and connect with the world again. Being a hermit doesn’t suit me.
Day 10

-Awoke sooooo tired.

-Yurai and I had a taste for coffee, so we went into town for one. It was lovely, but we both turned to one another and said it was unnecessary.

-My breath is horrid – (and when I say horrid, I mean HORRID! I actually licked my hand and took a whiff, and nearly fainted). Thank goodness Yurai and I are doing this together!

-I stink (body odour).

-My skin is awesome.

-Cellulite is disintegrating from legs

-Haven’t had need for salt
-My sleep habits seem to be shifting. Tonight, if I’m buzzing with energy, I’ll get up and work my creativity, instead of doing it in my mind, awake in bed.

-We’re developing a carpet of hair, all over the place, (and every where I go!), no matter how often I clean. Seems I’m releasing dead hair at a faster rate. Not a worry, as I’ve got plenty, and it’s still shiny and strong.

PONDERINGS:
I am infinitely grateful for our tongue scrapers, which are working overtime. That little metal tool, goes a very long way, immediately cleaning.
This is, alas, part of the detox process. It comes out everywhere, hence I mentioned that I stink. Might sound funny, but it’s the truth.
I normally don’t wear deodrant these days, and for the most part I’m fine. This is different though, like you can’t even scrub the smell away.  But again, it’s part of the detox and cleansing process, so I roll with it.
Being out was wonderful. We took in some sun, enjoyed coffee slowly, and replayed our infamous first kiss, at the café where we met. I’m all up for PDA, why not? 🙂 And while we’re on the topic, neither of us has had the urge for sex, though we’re still very affectionate. (This is amazing, considering Yurai was a borderline sex addict). Don’t get me wrong, we’re regulars – and maybe it’s got to do with the tiredness – though I can say, last night’s massage was magical. 😉  Being present in each others presence is in and of itself very strong. 

An interesting point to mention is that last week, my vision was starting to go funny. I’ve been blessed with 20/20 vision thus far, and don’t at all believe age has anything to do with failing eyesight.
Low and behold, it’s perfect again! :)) What did I do? Tapping! Of course, and I reckon the healing properties of the water played a role too.  (No it wasn’t just something stuck in my eyes, it was more like a layer of fuzz, over both of them, and I was squinting to see.

Now then, in the very first post I’d mentioned how much I love food, everything about it and what it does for each of my senses. Needless to say, I miss cooking, more so than eating.  This cleanse is different in that as Yurai and I are doing it together, and I’m not cooking for him.  The last time, I was coming up with all kinds of creative and delicious stuff (so he says 😉 ), and I really miss that, BUT that’s over soon, as we’re invited to his parents this weekend, and guess who’s cooking? 🙂 I don’t think anyone would have it any other way.

We’re both looking very much forward to the high of creativity through playing with food.  Pictures, and details to come, of course. 
Loving the effects of this cleanse.
Day 11
Finally, I slept like a kitten, through the whole night, and refreshed in the morning.
Dreams are becoming far more real, and I seem to be dealing with stuff from my waking life, whilst asleep. Resolutions, creation, fun…all kinds of goodness.
Normal bladder releases.
No bowel movement.
Focus is better, learning much in regards to energy.

Early in bed.

The Girl and her Shell

Time and time again, she’d not only experimented with her shell, but she’d also lent it to others, to use, for their benefit only.
She convinced herself that this was ok, but the problem was that when she’d step back into her shell, everything that was released into it, pain, angst, fear, lust-even pleasure, permeated into her. Straight to her heart, and to her soul-tarnishing it, sometimes only a little, sometimes more than she could handle, which could days, even weeks, to recover from. 
Though she had long forgotten about it, she’d once again become aware of this separation.  The separation of her shell from essence.
Some time during her first 10th,  it was at a party, some family gathering, that the separation had been so acute during her waking hours.
“It” was like a robot, put it’s boots and coat on, exited the house, and walked into the crisp air…Her essence still hadn’t returned.
She didn’t speak at all, rather felt like a zombie.
Once home, she went straight to bed, without a word. Nothing was said, and never did she speak of it, ever, to anyone.
It was undetermined henceforth, when reconnection occurred, however she not given it a single thought until almost her fourth 10th, when I’d been commissioned to write for her.  She hadn’t the need, you see, or perhaps her essence locked it away into the pocket of her mind till now. Now, when she’s ready to understand this separation.
But hang on…No, that wasn’t the first time. Often time, (around her first 10th), whilst walking home from school, she felt lower, closer to the ground and actually, that she wasn’t walking at all, rather- floating.
She’d once even tried to simulate that feeling of floating, got down on her knees, and walked along for a few steps, but it wasn’t quite it-not quite the feeling of floating.
She knew they thought she was weird, and ugly, at that. She just went along with it, knowing otherwise, that she was “different.”
Today she’d tell you that it was though her shell was her own puppet. She was always close by, in control, watching. At least whilst she was alive, during her waking hours. It was a totally different story when she bid farewell to the day, and died to the night.
The very last time she disconnected from her shell, left her so weak. He was like a vulture, homing in on his prey, and she knew it.  The moment she detached, he devoured it, and when she stepped back into her shell that time, nothing but pain permeated through to her essence. Nothing.

Food Disorders- Love is the answer.

My ill relationship with food commenced really early on, as far back as 5years old.
I was already sneaking junk food, during the day, and especially at bedtime, when my parents were watching TV downstairs in our back-split home. There was a way to the cupboard without them seeing me, and I was as quiet as a mouse when grabbing my stash, heading bact to my bed, to nibble under the covers…

In the summer of my 13th year, I opted to become vegetarian again, which came naturally, as it was only a few years prior that my family had started to consume meat.
There were two reasons for the switch- I had tagged along with my father to a slaughter house, but more importantly, a cousin, whom I adored, once commented that I was getting “chubby.” I don’t think I ever actually considered my body as something I needed to change before that point, but the message stuck.
For some reason I’d equated meat to fat, so then having accepted “being chubby,” coupled with the sights and smells of the slaughter house, it was the perfect reason to stop eating it.

There was weight to be lost, and meat was the first thing to go, and though it started with food, around the same time, I developed an obsession with exercise, and I would train after every single meal, to relieve myself of the “dreaded calories,” I was reading about. Soon to follow was anorexia, and from then on I started to subtract more and more food until I was eating next to nothing.
I didn’t just want to be thin, I wanted to be waif-like, wanting the body of a supermodel, like Kate Moss, skin and bones.

Becoming so obsessed with what I looked like, I would look up anorexia & bulimia, in the encyclopedia, [(a physical version of Wikipedia (for the youngsters that might be tuning in)], time and time again, to see if I was doing it right.

[On a side note, having delved into the world of Louise Hay earlier this year, and as part of my personal therapy, I discovered the following definitions:
Anorexia- Denying the self and life. Extreme fear of rejection.
Bulimia- Hopeless terror. Purging self hatred.

This was the second time the same information was coming to me, the first, being from a dear friend & psychologist. It’s through her that I likened my issues to have started around the age of 5, when we moved to Canada from England, leaving my older sister- the love of my life- behind. In hindsight, (and to simplify), something inside me was missing, and I filled the void with food, namely sweets.
In essence, I was in a state of fear, as opposed to love, or so is the way I view it.]

Back to anorexia- it was awful. I was awful. I was shutting myself off, literally, becoming more and more unhappy, and increasingly paranoid. I felt like everyone was watching my every move, judging me by the food I put in my mouth, much as I was judging them.

In my teenage years, the worst thing on earth would be sitting in classes, starving. I dreamt about food that I was withholding from myself. Eventually, I had to eat again, and when I did, it was everything. It would start with a (miniscule portion) healthy Indian dinner, after which I’d still be hungry. The family would disperse, and I’d happily clear up the whole kitchen, as by doing so, left me free to dig for my vices.

Usually, feeling like everything was under control, and that I was entitled to have something, I’d go for an apple, which would then be followed by a bowl of cereal, (still “healthy”), but I’d digress from there. I’d end up eating any and everything, and then head straight for the toilet, and purge it all out.

Though eventually I did pull myself out of it, I didn’t resolve why it happened in the first place, so for the following 2 decades, my ill relationship with food persisted.
I fooled myself in thinking that I had everything under control, but the reality of the situation was that I was still wearing a veil of illusion, still holding onto deep pain.
(Through my experiences, to be “under control,” is like a false safety mechanism. In an of itself, it is illusive, because fear is the over-powering emotion, as opposed to love, and there is an inherent lack of balance).

When you’re addicted to something, nothing else really matters except getting that which you are addicted to, no matter what it is.

Fast forward to more recent times.

It was another relapse and I wasn’t ok. There was stuff going on in life that I wasn’t able to deal with and the binging began again (no anorexia or bulimia this time- I was eating whole and real foods except that I had a need to binge on chocolate (namely).
In late 2011, that unsettled feeling had set in and I was stressing about something, though I had no idea what. In fact, it wasn’t until recently, when I finally allowed myself to get really really quiet, that the answers started to come. (The last time it was as bad was when I moved back to the UK, after signing divorce papers, in early 2006).

My then flatmate, (who’s patience I’m grateful for!), would tell you that his chocolate bars would disappear like nobody’s business. The first time it happened, we joked about it, no big deal.
The second time, he’d actually had a taste for chocolate himself (which wasn’t normal for him), and there was none to be found. He wasn’t pleased about it that time. I actually felt awful and guilty, and vowed never to do it again. But I was further into my addiction than I was willing to admit, at the time, and even though I told him I was addicted, “please hide the stuff,” I was light- hearted and half joking about it (to not appear like I was losing my lid).
But I was losing my lid.

I’m happy that I can finally share what happened after that, because even a year ago I couldn’t, as I was still full of shame.
He still bought chocolate, (and I mean the big bars), along with other things I’d normally not touch, and left them in the usual spot. Stressed, I’d get to the stash, convince myself I was ok, and could have a little piece and get on with things. Surely not. I’d keep going back til the bar was gone. Not that I wasn’t feeling bad enough for having ate the whole thing, I was so hard on myself about it. How stupid could I be?! I told him I wouldn’t touch his stash again, and promised myself that I’d be better, and stronger in my mind.

So out I’d go. To the little mini-market down the road, tail between my legs, to replenish his chocolate. But not without getting another one for myself. Sometimes I’d replaced his one bar with three, (at a time), until finally he ate it.
In the peak of my madness, there would be 3 or 4 places I’d go to as I got really paranoid about who might see me buying such rubbish. “I am supposed to be the bootcamp queen and a role model for health and fitness….” I would wear a ball cap at times so that I wouldn’t be recognized by the cashier at any of the stores I was frequenting regularly, or at least not to make eye contact. I’d go out late at night, convincing myself that I was only going for a walk, but always coming back with something, and feeling awful. Even when I didn’t have a lot of money for my indulgences, it wasn’t a factor, I needed my fix-it was the most important thing in the world.
All this, and at the very same time, rarely would you see me eating anything “bad,” in public, (perhaps only with my bestest friends, and even from them, I was hiding). When offered something I deemed unhealthy, I would politely decline, but know that I would reimburse myself when I got home.

I was so afraid of being caught –and yes, I do understand how ridiculous this all sounds- it was only (mainly, but not limited to) chocolate, after all, but it may as well have been heroin, as the workings of the mind, I believe, are the same.

I eventually gained control of myself, and when I did, told myself that was the last time. Surely, it wasn’t, because, I’d only gained “control,” instead of dealing with the underlying issue.

The last relapse was around the time of a major healing with my parents, at the turn of the year. This time it was without shame, nor fear, nor regret, nor self-hatred.

2014 has been different than all the rest of the years of my life, as it’s become an everyday practice to remain in a state of love, to consistently observe my mind, to be mindful of old habits when they threaten, to be ever so gentle with the body I’ve been blessed with.

To You, who is going through the same things, it does end. You are not alone. Be good to Yourself, one moment at a time.

My younger self, working on anger. Journal entry from 14 November, 2001

…” After I get my glass of water, I’ll continue to read my ‘Anger,’ book by Thich Nhat Hanh.  

Sometimes I cry when I read it. I feel what he writes, and know things can be better..just have to work for it. 
I’m practicing. Practicing being mindful, and actually, I learned something very useful yesterday. That anger resides in the “basement” of our mind, and when triggered by an image or word, or action, or something, it creeps up into our “living (space) room,” where we have all other thoughts. 
We try to keep our living space occupied by TV, or music, or people, something, anything, in order to avoid the basement. 
But, as long as we do not deal with the anger in our basement, it grows. 
What we must do is bring up the anger out of the basement, consciously, and deal with our issues. This is practice too. Everytime anger comes up/is brought up, and is dealt with, it gets smaller & smaller. 
The key again, is to be mindful. If you can bring up the anger within, in your own time, and your own space, it can be dealt with much more rationally than if anger creeps up, provoked by an image, word or something.
Everything can and will be dealt with, that is possible….” 
——–
Back to the present- 02 May, 2014 
It’s no coincidence that this was the entry I randomly chose to share (by blindly opening my old journal). 
Almost 13 years after this post and the way I deal with anger has evolved, with using my body as a guide.
In the past 3 weeks my body has been screaming at me, showing me that I’m holding onto anger, and it’s high time tomdeal with it. 
Last week, I looked much like a teenage girl, with pimples, or “tiny bursts of anger,” as Louise Hay, refers to them in her book, “You Can Heal Your Body.” They’d snuck up on me, appearing all along my hairline with a few on my cheeks- very bizarre, but a big sign I needed to go into the basement of my mind and do some healing.
My face started clearing earlier this week, as I knew it would, having asked myself the obvious question, “where is the anger coming from…?” Daily mediation helped, as did yoga, and simply trusting that everything is ok, and as it should be. 
It wasn’t that I needed answers to get over the anger, it was to know that it was there and I needed to accept it and move forward with the greatest amount of love for myself, AND the source. 
Even this morning, I hadn’t fully reconciled my anger of late, because I’d been just peaking into the basement, but finally I went down there, pressed my hands together at my heart, had a conversation with it, breathed it in, and breathed it out.

What used to take me months and sometimes years to deal with, now comes and goes, at times as soon as the anger is present, so long as I recognize it. Always in practice. Always learning. 

Back to source. Back to free.
❤